Elf Eye for the Ranger Guy
by Minja
Summary: Can the five most fab elves in Middle Earth help make-over Aragorn before his kingmaking! (Queer EyeLotR crossover) AU.
1. The Adventure Begins

Title: Elf Eye for the Ranger Guy  
  
Author: Minja aka Carnimerie  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Can the five most fab elves in Middle Earth help make-over Aragorn before his kingmaking?! (Queer Eye/LotR crossover) AU.  
  
Pairings: Cannon only apply: Aragorn/Arwen, Celeborn/Galadriel, ect. No slash (on purpose, anyway). ;-)  
  
Note: Yeah, yeah, I know, Tolkien's probably rolling over in his grave at the moment, but, oh well! ;-) I HAD to do this, I tell you. As far as a timeline goes, this is in-between the victory of the Free Peoples and Aragorn's coronation. In this magical world, the Fellowship occurred and all, but Aragorn has had a few months to be king without an official ceremony, yet. He and Arwen are both living in Minas Tirith, but not officially married, yet.  
  
For the record, here's the elves and their counterparts: -Elrohir-(Jai) Culture -Elladan-(Ted) Food and Wine -Legolas-(Kyan) Grooming -Celeborn-(Thom) Interior Design -Haldir-(Carson) Fashion  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and am in no way affiliated with Bravo. Same for New Line and Tolkein's work. I merely own the will to desecrate both works and the humor and hope that I won't get flamed/sued/or booed for it. *grins* R&R, please!  
  
~Minja  
  
~~~~  
  
"I'm ti-red!" Haldir whined. He was riding his horse through the misty sunlight of a Gondor day, allowing to animal to lumber at an agonizingly slow pace. His horse had been continually falling behind the rest of the Fab Five. Elladan and Elrohir were leading the pack, followed by Celeborn, and up until recently Legolas had been beside Haldir, chatting with him on the way. However, sometime in the night, the other elf had managed to move ahead and when Haldir turned to look for the other blond, he was greeted with silence. Haldir did was any normal elf would do. He pouted.  
  
Legolas heard Haldir's complaint from the head of the line, where he had been conversing with Elrohir. Legolas turned to gaze at Haldir, wincing as he did. It had been he who had recommended they bring him along. A quick glance at Elrohir showed that the half-elf was wincing, too. Legolas shook his head.  
  
"Haldir," Legolas began, walking over to the lone elf on horseback, "Why don't you give your horse a rest...walk with the rest of us for a while?" Legolas hoped the elf would simply take his advice, yet he wasn't surprised when Haldir seemed to ignore him. Legolas sighed. "You are the only one of us on horseback, you know."  
  
Haldir stopped his horse and gazed down at the Mirkwood elf at his side. "Legolas," He said with an air of disbelief, "Do you know what would happen if I had walked all the way from Lothlorien to Minis Tirith?" Legolas stole a glance to the rest of their party, who were continuing on, knowing of Haldir's attitude. Legolas sighed again.  
  
"You'd have gotten here at the same time as Celeborn and we'd have gotten to The White City a few days ago?" Haldir's eyes grew wide with horror.  
  
"Legolas!" Haldir shook his head, and he scoffed. "If I had walked all the way here..." He stopped talking, seeming horrified with the thought. "Let's just say you did want me here for my impeccable fashion sense, correct? Do you have any idea how I would look if I had come all this way on foot?"  
  
"Like me?" asked a silvery voice and Legolas glanced up to see Celeborn standing a few feet away. Haldir blushed, seeing Celeborn, yet snorted with slight indignation. Celeborn chose to ignore him, and continued. "We need to arrive quickly. From what Legolas has said, this is a real emergency." Legolas nodded.  
  
"It is."  
  
"Well, then, we'd better go on into the town." The Elf of Doriath gave his watchman a pointed look. "Haldir, stop slowing us down. Get off that horse. We don't need anything on it and five minutes on your feet will not kill you." Legolas was slightly amazed when the elf dismounted and, with a few words, sent his horse back to the forests of Lothlorien.  
  
Yet the moment Celeborn, satisfied with his watchman's obedience, had turned his back, Haldir let loose a few more words, some of which Legolas was unfamiliar with but could guess the meaning of. Legolas let the elf mutter angrily for a few seconds and began to walk with him towards the others. Yet when Haldir seemed to continue on with his mutterings, Legolas spoke up.  
  
"We really do need to get into the city," Legolas said in Celeborn's defense. "Arwen's letter was almost covered with tears and rightly so. Aragorn's a good man...but he's still quite a bit of a ranger and a little lacking in kingliness." Haldir nodded, then a wicked look came upon his face.  
  
"Why on earth did she choose him?" Haldir's upper lip curled a little bit. "He's not the prettiest of men. I mean, a man is bad enough, but..." Haldir stopped speaking and glanced around to make sure Elladan and Elrohir were out of hearing distance.* He could see them up the road with Celeborn, chatting most likely about what their approach would be when dealing with the future king of men. Satisfied that Aragorn's foster siblings** were not paying attention, Haldir continued in a lowered voice. "Legolas...does he bathe?"  
  
Legolas grimaced. He clasped Haldir's shoulder, as they walked, willing them both strength. "I am not sure, my friend. I know for certain he has worn the same green outfit for the past 20 years or so."  
  
Haldir gasped. Legolas nodded sadly. The two of them continued in silence, until they had caught up with the other three elves at the main gate of Minas Tirith. All five elves gazed at the gate, seeming terrified to walk in. They knew what lay before them.  
  
A king of kings. A man of the most nobel house of Numenor. They knew that shortly they would hold court with one of the most fierce warriors, one of the boldest leaders, and one of the kindest men to ever grace the surface of Middle Earth. He was a mortal marvel.  
  
He also dressed in ripped clothes, smelled terrible, hadn't washed his hair in far too long, knew nothing of gourmet cooking, was a minimalist in a bad sense, couldn't dance to save his life, had no singing voice either, and was not a morning person.  
  
It was six o'clock AM and they had exactly twelve hours to get him as elven as possible before his combination coronation and formal wedding to Arwen.  
  
They were doomed.  
  
~~~ TBC!  
  
*- Yes, I'm well aware that they probably weren't out of hearing distance. But I figure that elves are basically like humans in one sense, they don't REALLY hear all that they can. If you're at a party, for instance, you have the capabilities to listen to many people's conversations, but you're probably only paying attention to the one you're a part of. So let's just say that El and El weren't paying attention to Haldir and Leggy. Whoa. That was a long explanation, sorry.  
  
**- I'm going with a "Mellon Chronicles" based backstory. I'm not referring to any of Cassia and Sio's works, but in this fic, young Aragorn was raised by Elrond with Elrohir and Elladan as brothers. So any interaction between the three will have notes of sibling interaction. In the same vein of this kind of backstory, I'm saying that both Aragorn's dad and mom perished. Sorry, Gilraen.  
  
R&R, please! It does help and really means a lot. Well, "tHIS fiC SUUUUUXXXXX!" isn't exactly helpful but feedback is feedback.;-)  
  
~Minja 


	2. An Unexpected Arrival

Same disclaimers from last time apply. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! It truly means so much!  
  
~Minja  
  
~~~~  
  
Aragorn loved one thing in particular about being king. Well, being king-like. He was not a technical king, yet, but he was treated as such, because his right to the throne was unquestionable. He was living in the palace, he made important decisions, and he was helping his people heal after all the pain Sauron's armies and Sauron's mere presence had caused them. He could help foster a peace in the hearts of his people, a peace they had been so cruelly denied. It was the people that made it so meaningful. He loved simply having people to belong to almost as much as helping them.  
  
Yet despite this moral and emotional satisfaction, the one thing he truly loved about being king was much simpler. It was a biological necessity he had been deprived of for far too long. It was good quality of sleep.  
  
Aragorn sighed deeply and sank further down into his bedding. He was in that pleasant state in-between sleep and waking and had no desire to head towards the waking world. This is not to say, however, that the future king of men desired to lie in bed all day or waste precious morning hours in slumber. It was simply the novelty and security to take a bit of time to wake up that had come as a delight and surprise.  
  
Aragorn had spent most of his life as a ranger in the wild or fighting battles. He was unused to a feeling of security in sleep. In situations of war, he had been forced to take small snatches of sleep when he could and to sleep lightly, most likely with a big pointy weapon to stab anyone who might disturb him. As a ranger, the situation had been much of the same, with the exception that the big pointy weapon could also be used against deadly furry animals out to eat a human. But for whatever the reason, Aragorn had spent most of his life as adult clutching something rather sharp and dangerous.  
  
Aragorn lay in bed, hesitant to rise, enjoying the warmth of his blankets. He blinked his eyes blearily open and yawned, drawing in a deep breath. At first, his vision was blurry, but it soon came into focus.  
  
His room. How he loved his room. So quiet, so peaceful. It was the perfect room for sleep, all dark and soft. Aragorn decided that his eyes didn't really need to be open yet, and shut them back down. He wasn't due to meet with anyone until nearly seven in the morning and he guessed it to be near six. That would give him nearly an hour to slowly wake in his nice dark room, before heading out to meet his advisors.  
  
Aragorn was just about to lay his head back down on his pillow for a few moments, when five fabulous elves burst into his room. They were almost shining with cleanliness and beauty, they walked with grace, even when bursting into a room, and at the forefront was Haldir, a very, very maniacal grin on his face.  
  
Aragorn promptly opened his eyes. He saw five elves, five fabulous elves that each looked far too perky for their own good. His two foster- brothers had equal looks of wicked delight, his future grandfather-in-law had a look of amusement mixed with distaste, his dear friend Legolas had a look of determination, and Haldir, one of the most snobbish and stubborn elves in Lothlorien looked as though he had just been informed that he w3as now supreme ruler of the universe. "No, no, no...," was all the King of Men could mutter. Aragorn recognized all five elves and he knew to be very afraid.  
  
"We're here!" Haldir announced, with a tad too much elf cheerfulness for Aragorn's state of mind. The mortal man just groaned and attempted to burrow deeper into his bedclothes. Legolas couldn't help but grin, when he saw Elladan and Elrohir exchange conspiratorial grins. He could only guess what was coming next.  
  
"Rise and shine, Estel!" The twins yelled at once, and each grabbing one of Aragorn's arms. Aragorn suddenly realized that as far as days went this one would probably not be good. As he was rudely hauled to his feet, all thoughts of peace and tranquility ran out of his mind. In fact, Aragorn began to wonder if he was really past the stage of sleeping with a big pointy weapon. Perhaps he should resume the practice. While he doubted the elves had come to eat him for food or murder him in his sleep, he could tell that they did desire to grievously wrong him. That was evident in Haldir's happy tone.  
  
"Well, we're here!" Haldir chirped again, and Legolas looked at him sharply. Aragorn was not an idiot, and Legolas could tell by the man's body language that Aragorn had not really been asleep. He just seemed to have been enjoying a peaceful awakening. Legolas couldn't help but give ironic chuckle. That was over.  
  
"Greetings, Aragorn." Legolas figured an actual greeting might do the human some good. He was beginning to look rather despondent as he gazed from the twins to Celeborn to Haldir and back again. Legolas could also tell from Aragorn's face that he had not expected any of this. Legolas sighed. He was going to kill Arwen. She had been supposed to tell Aragorn that they were coming. The little she-orc.  
  
"Good morning, Legolas." Aragorn muttered back, still gazing apprehensively at all the elves around him. He suddenly realized that Haldir was still grinning insanely at him. "Good morning, Haldir." He said, turning to face the Lorien elf, and hoping that that would quell Haldir's exuberance. To his despair, Haldir grinned even wider. This was not good.  
  
"To you as well," Haldir answered, still smiling, casting a somewhat predatory look in Aragorn's direction. Legolas sighed. He should not have suggested they bring Haldir along.  
  
Yet glancing from Haldir to Aragorn, Legolas had to retract his thought. Yes, Haldir was annoying. Yes, Haldir was a show-off. Yes, Haldir and Aragorn seemed to have this unnatural dispute between each other. Yet there was Aragorn, in the same dark green outfit as always, in desperate need of fashion help, and there was Haldir, in a fantastic ensemble, made up of metallic tones and a dashing red traveling cloak. Legolas had to admit that no other elf in the room really had such flair for fashion. Celeborn wore nothing but silver, the sons of Elrond wore matching outfits of muted blue, and Legolas himself stuck with nondescript greens and soft browns. Haldir was the only one who seemed to have any affection for color and drama. Giving Aragorn a once over, Legolas had to guess that some wardrobe variety was just what Aragorn needed.  
  
While Legolas was letting his mind wonder, Aragorn was trying to figure out why there elves were here. Tonight was the night of his coronation, but the Sons of Elrond were supposedly out hunting and Aragorn had been told they would be unable to attend. Celeborn's arrival made some sense, as Aragorn would also marry Arwen that night and he was her grandfather, yet Galadriel had been in Minis Tirith nearly a week, and Celeborn could have easily come with her. Legolas he was unsurprised to see, because he knew his friend would not miss his king-making, but why had Legolas come in this way, bursting into his chambers with various relatives.and Haldir? He truly had no idea why Haldir was here. He couldn't stand Haldir. He had assumed the feeling was mutual.  
  
Elladan laughed at the look of confusion on Aragorn's face. Certainly the man had not expected him and his brother. They had been out on a hunting trip nearly a week ago when Legolas had rode up out of the woods, startling Elrohir into nearly shooting off the Mirkwood elf's head. After staunching the blood from Legolas's ear ("The arrow had barely touched it!" Elrohir still tried to say), Legolas had explained to them that he had gotten a letter from Arwen earlier in the month, saying how worried she was about Aragorn's ability to look and act the part of a king. She knew he could do it, the letter had said, but she had been concerned about his image. Elladan grinned. He had no idea how Legolas had managed it, but two days ago, Celeborn and Haldir had met Elrohir, Elladan, and Legolas in northern Gondor and all five had begun the trek towards Minas Tirith.  
  
"Well, not Haldir," Elladan thought, rolling his eyes. "We trekked. Haldir rode that stupid horse."  
  
Legolas had resumed watching Aragorn's face to gage his reactions, but after five or so minutes had passed and neither the former ranger nor any of the elves had uttered a word, Legolas grew impatient. They were wasting time.  
  
"I guess you are wondering why we are all here," Legolas began slowly. Aragorn turned to him in slight disbelief. Of course he was wondering what they were doing here. He wasn't stupid. In fact, Aragorn decided to voice that statement.  
  
"I'm not stupid. Of course I'm wondering why." Legolas nodded, and frowned when Haldir appeared to be ready to say something. Legolas could get an idea of what was coming. He spoke up before Haldir could.  
"Aragorn," He began, we are all here because of a letter sent to us by Arwen-"  
  
"Arwen?" Aragorn said quickly. "Was it an invitation?" He shook his head, not aware of the look of surprise on Legolas's face, having been interrupted." I told her not to bother. My coronation's merely an official act and our marriage is important, surely, but I believed everyone was well aware that we would be married tonight." Legolas shook his head, and Aragorn trailed off, aware that he'd been wrong.  
  
"No, no," Legolas muttered, "Nothing of that nature." He cleared his throat. "However, her letter did pertain to your king-making and wedding." Legolas paused and gave Aragorn an appraising look. Not explaining himself, he turned to Celeborn. Legolas spoken too softly for Aragorn's ears, "If you love your granddaughter, I'd informer her that she best not see him today. At least not after we tell him why we're here. She was supposed to tell him herself." Legolas groaned. "I was not supposed to be doing this."  
  
Aragorn did not hear the exchange between Legolas and Celeborn, although it was very clear one was taking place. He did hear a slight groan coming from Legolas and wondered what it was all about. Aragorn cleared his throat, impatiently. He was very close to receiving an answer and as he was waking more and more, he was beginning to get vaguely frustrated.  
  
Legolas glanced back and him and Aragorn watched as Celeborn nodded to Legolas and began to walk towards the door. Was he leaving, Aragorn had to wonder? Celeborn reached to turn the doorknob, yet jumped back slightly before his hand touched it.  
  
"What.." Haldir began, and Aragorn wondered what was going on as well, before he noticed the knob to his door turning. Celeborn must have not expected it. Aragorn didn't blame him; the palace was near asleep this early in the morning.  
  
"Early," Aragorn thought somewhat bitterly. In fact, he was so wound up in being bitter about his rude awakening; he almost didn't hear the door being pushed open, yet he heard the merry voice call out being the figure came into sight.  
  
"Wake up, my love, there is much to do today."  
  
Arwen walked into the room.  
  
~~~  
  
TBC! Please review!  
  
Much love, Minja 


End file.
